1. The best way to discover the origin of rumors is to start them yourself.

2. The money god is failing. No atheists in the trenches.

3. — Dad, what’s the cap on your head?
— Is the keffiyeh, my daughter. It protects us in the wilderness from the unbearable heat.
— Dad, what’s that stuff on top?
— Is jellaba. It protects us in the desert from the scorching heat.
— Dad, what’s that on your feet, such awful shoes?
— Babouches, my love. They guard us in the wilderness from the hot sand.
— Dad, why the f. are you all wearing this in the middle of winter in Frankfurt?
— Hold on to your jihab, daughter, and shut up, or we world have to go back to Lviv…

4. If a man wants to live, doctors are powerless. If a man wants to live well, even the law enforcement is powerless.

5. News: Washington has confirmed the destruction of the Daesh financial center in Iraq.
Question: Did they stop remitting payments?

6. Any idiot can make a forecast, but only an expert can explain why the prediction hasn’t materialized.

7. Ukrainian- Russian war is raving on the internet. No one was killed yet, but many have been deeply mentally wounded.

8. Lavrov at the press conference:
– We are ready for cooperation between Russia and the United States, but only on the condition of honesty and openness with our partners. We want these relationships to benefits both the USA and Russia!
– Kerry: After Mr. Lavrov took such a self-centered, inflexible and unconstructive position, I can only shrug!

9. Eight British cops are running away from one migrant

10. Black Friday at the stock market:
– Is this one of those Fridays that I should go to the bank and get everything out of the safe deposit box?
– No need, they cleaned it out for you.

11. – Why Russians are not perturbed by anti-Russian sanctions?
– People who eat chebureki at train stations are not afraid of anything.

12. Comments on one news website the news that the Yellowstone volcano wakes up:
– Just two weeks after the clouds of volcanic ashes would cover the sun, the temperature of earth’s surface will fall in different parts of the globe between -15°C to -50°C and lower. The average temperature on the Earth’s surface will be around -25°C.
– So, should we keep winter tires on for now?

13. Two Russian tank operators are having coffee and croissants in a cafe in Paris, and watching a column of Russian tanks going by.
A co-driver says to his commander: – All this because we lost the information war.

14. During the UN Security Council meeting, the door flies open and a huge fighter with a flame thrower appears at the doorway.
– Who is Churkin here? – he asks.
– He, he is Churkin, – everyone who was present started pointing with glee at Russia’s UN Permanent Representative.
– Vitaly! The fighter says. – Duck down!

15. “As far as the statements about the use of Russian special forces in Ukraine, I would just say: it’s hard to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if it’s not there. It’s especially stupid considering that this cat is smart, brave and polite.”
Allegedly by the Russian defense Minister S. Shoigu

16. Pointers to recognize the willful anti-Russia pro western stooge:
• The last name ends with “o,” which means a person is ethnic Ukrainian
• recalls the “great 90s”
• never mentions the western sanctions against Russia
• says the phrase “we had a squabble with the west”
• never mentions an anti-government putsch in Ukraine
• talks about stupid or inexplicable “Russian ban on the Western products”
• calls China ‘extremely difficult” “not a real partner,” says that ” Russia is a third grader” in comparison to an “adult” (China is an adult)
• hates Russia’s military
• claims that Russian military budged needs to be cut
• wants business to be “left alone”

17. Scott’s conversing on twitter:
– Dogs hypnotize us. I was in my office, my dog was laying at my feet. Suddenly, I have the urge to go downstairs and give my dog a slice of bacon.
– Dog was very happy I assume?
– If you have a dog, you never eat alone. So, we both are happy. Do you have a dog?
– No, just fish in a fish pond.
– It’s hard to get fish to sleep with you during long cold winter nights.
– You’re right, particularly when you have so many of them.

18. – The stock market went down last week. I called my broker, and he told me twice I’ve got nothing to worry about…
– Why twice?
– Because, I couldn’t hear him the first time as there was too much laughter in the background…

19. In 2014, Fogh Rasmussen, 12th Secretary General of NATO, praised the operations in Afghanistan, Kosovo and Libya as examples for ”NATO’s collective defense”.
The statement is breathtaking, considering that NATO’s 25th summit in Chicago, in 2012, concluded that NATO operations in Libya in 2011 were ”a teachable moment and model for future interventions”.

20. Critical thinking ability is also a mortal sin in the West. Which would quickly lead one to surmise that the term ‘enemy’ is a neurolinguistic trick used by psychopaths to make you do something against your will, morals or better judgment. Replace ‘enemy’ with a more succinct term: ‘evil’. Is Russia evil? No. Would you cheer for evil? Of course not. See how easy it is to untwist the psychopath’s perverted logic?

21. A delightful rant by a ZeroHedge commentator Paveway IV’s. It’s from last October, but still current. 18+ Adult language:
“…Washington sent Gen. Joseph Dunford (chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff) to Iraq this week to issue what can only be described as a petulant, childish ultimatum to PM Haider al-Abadi, to pressure the Prime Minister of Iraq to not seek the Russia’s air assistance in fighting ISIS.
“It’s either us, or the Russians,” Abadi was told, although not specifically in those terms…”
Yeah? Well, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, Gen. Dunford – you useless sack of shit. You lost your heroin ops in Afghanistan to your CIA pals, the Taliban. Why don’t you pick up the American soldiers on your way out of that failed drug operation, too?
No – I’m sure you and your CIA ‘partners’ are gearing up for the upcoming fake Kurdish Spring uprising, you psychopathic bitch. Next time the Israeli-firster fucks in congress send you on any other “freedom and liberty” clownfuckery anywhere else in the Middle East, why don’t you pause for a minute and thing about your oath? You know – the one you’ve been wiping your feet on your entire fucking career:
…I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic, that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same…
You lying, treasonous fucker.”

22. – This past December, Russians were following the story of relations between Amur, the tiger, and the he-goat Timur. But, now the Russian blogosphere is abuzz about a scandal between Kadyrov and Kasyanov.
– Please, spare me! How is it not the same thing?

23. – Did you know that twitter was down yesterday for two hours due to a glitch?
– I’m sure that our prime Minister, Medvedev, faced this difficult for him time with the bravery and stoicism that he’s so well known for.

24. Of course, NATO was on the defensive in Libya and Yugoslavia. NATO still tries to defend itself in Afghanistan, Iraq and Syria. And now NATO is being forced to start defending itself in the Baltics, Ukraine, Georgia, Moldova, Turkey and Montenegro. Especially troubling that NATO is being under attack in the Black Sea, the South China Sea, the Mediterranean Sea, and in the Arctic.

25. A conversation overheard in Kiev:
– We have been told that when Putin comes, it will be the end to everything. The end is here, but where is Putin?

26. Ukrainian PM Yatsenyuk reports to Ukrainian president Poroshenko:
– Finally, I persuaded Poland to give us 1 billion in credit.
– One billion hrivnas or dollars?
– One billion apples.

27. Meeting of the Ukrainian ultra-nationalists.
– Хлопцы, серед нас е москали? (Ukr. for Are there any Russians amongst us?)
-Ни. Нема. (Ukr. for No. There is none.)
-Точно нема? (Ukr. Are you sure?)
-Точно нема. (Ukr. Absolutely, there is none.)
-Тогда предлагаю говорить по русски! (Rus. Then, lets speak Russian.)

28. A Ukrainian pleads with God:
– Lord, why did you give those damn Russians everything, and nothing to us? They have oil and gas, a heroic history, and world famous poets, writers, composers, scientists…
– God: I have given all of these to you also… .
– Ukrainian: Where, When?
– God: When you were Russian…

29. Quotation from the presidential campaign speech of Petro Poroshenko:
“I will end corruption, will build the prosperous economy in this country, I will raise salaries and pensions…
So far, Poroshenko has fulfilled only the first three words from his campaign speech…

30. Poroshenko has died. After death, he carries his suitcase to heaven, but St. Peter tells him:
— Take a seat and let me look at our list. It looks like we have not reserved a space for you here. I can’t help you. Paradise is crowded as it is even without you. You, dear, go to hell.
Poroshenko descends to hell. There he is being greeted by Lucifer himself with the open arms:
— Hello—hello, what took you so long! We have already reserved a boiler for you. Fancy a drink?
They sit down, drink and talk about life. Suddenly, Poroshenko remembers that he left his suitcase in Paradise. Lucifer summons two imps:
— Did you hear? Go to Paradise this instant and bring a suitcase of our dear President. Now, one leg here, another there!
Imps run to Paradise. But, by the time they get there, Saint Peter’s shift had ended, and the great gates of Paradise were locked. Imps look around not knowing what to do? They were told do not show up back without a suitcase. Finally, they started climbing over the heaven’s fence.
Two Archangels, who stood there guarding heaven, watch them negotiating the fence with great interest. Finally, one says to another:
— Look, what’s going on It’s been only 20 minutes since Poroshenko went to hell, and we already have refugees coming!

31. Maria Zakharova has just posted a new anecdote about the German, the Russian and the Englishman, which is based on real events:

At the Munich security conference, Steinmeier, Lavrov, and Hammond were asked the same question: out of 100% what was the prospects for ending the violence in Syria, as agreed on February 11th during the meeting of MGPS?
Steinmeier succinctly responded that it was about 51%. Lavrov began to explain that everybody needs to fulfill their commitments, to responsibly make decisions collectively to interact on a settlement, and because there is doubt, gave 49%. Hammond said that it was all the Kremlin’s fault.