putin grassy knoll

by Norman Ball

Just when it seemed the ‘missing Putin’ rumors couldn’t get any stranger, a photo has emerged that places the Russian leader in Dealey Plaza in 1963, armed, shirtless and perched malevolently atop the infamous grassy knoll.

Meanwhile, the CIA has vehemently denied any complicity in proffering a doctored photo. In fact CIA Director Brennan offered to “swear on a stack of Bibles provided I can keep one hand behind my back” that his department had no knowledge either of Putin’s present-day whereabouts or his reasons for being in Dallas, Texas as a decidedly mature-looking eleven-year old with pronounced male pattern baldness.

“I know our doctored grassy knoll photos. That’s not one of them.”

Senator McCain wasted no time sounding a bellicose note:

“If we’re seen tiptoeing around the Dallas suburbs like church mice we will never live it down. What conclusions will international terrorism draw if the world’s policeman shows favoritism by opting not to light itself on fire? If Putin is there, in any time corridor, we must strike at the heart of Texas with the full-force of America’s military might. I therefore urge the President to put domestic politics aside and remember the Alamo while forgetting the USS Liberty.”

Some of the more exuberant factions of the worldwide Putinist movement have, in the past, gone so far as to attribute Time Wizard powers to the Russian leader.

Putin Fan Club President Bart Lackey is thus not surprised, “He could be anywhere at the moment: the Fall of Rome, the sacking of Troy, the Battle of Waterloo. What we do know is that, wherever he is, he will be leading the charge and his chest will be bared to whatever fate has in store for him –which is victory against all foes, in all eras, for all time.”